I Want THAT Man!

By Boni Lonnsburry


Dear Boni,

Can I choose my future husband—even thought this man doesn’t live in the same city as I do, we haven’t met in person and he doesn’t know I exist?

With gratitude,


Dear Hopeful,

Sorry to dash your hopes, but no, you cannot choose your future husband by picking out someone whom you haven’t met and deciding to marry him. Well, I guess you could, technically, but not using the law of attraction to consciously create a wonderful marriage.


Because you can’t control how anything shows up.

What you can have is a rich, fulfilling, meaningful, committed, intimate, safe, trusting, secure, beautiful loving relationship with a man—but you can’t decide who that man will be.

You can, however, have a preference. You can say to the universe, “I want that man, or someone better, who will make me feel…”

But you have to let the universe deliver the right energetic match to your vibration. And THAT man, may not be it.

And if he’s not it, and you forced it into happening anyway, you probably wouldn’t be half as happy with him, as you would with someone the universe delivered.

But lets go deeper. Why would you want it to be THAT man?

Likely the same reason anyone wants to control an outcome—the fear that you won’t get what you want.

You see, before we really understand conscious creation, we tend to look “out there” for what we want. When we see something that we think may fit the bill, we pounce on it, fantasize about it and think, “If I can just make THAT happen I will get what I want.”

And more often than not, we stay stuck in fantasy, never creating anything close to the thing we want. Now that is really hopeless.

But you, Hopeful, can take your power back. You can change the beliefs that are in your way, such as:

I can’t create a man whom I want to marry.
I can’t create a loving wonderful relationship.
There aren’t men out there who are right for me.
It is impossible to meet any good men.

And maybe:

I don’t deserve a loving relationship.
I am not good enough to marry a wonderful man.

You see your beliefs are only beliefs. They can be changed. And when you change them, your reality changes.

But there is more…

I strongly suggest, spending some time with your adolescent self. Along with your beliefs, they are likely the one who is keeping you stuck in fantasy.

Think about it—adolescence is all about fantasy—imagining the hot teen idol will come and sweep you off your feet, that everyone will love you and finally recognize how wonderful you are.  That’s all fine and dandy while you are an adolescent. But at some point you need to grow beyond that.

And why haven’t you?

Because your adolescent self never felt powerful enough to create her dream. And neither do you.

But the fix is easy! In meditation, go to see your adolescent self where she lives—the same house you grew up in. Let her complain to you how sorry her love life is. Encourage her to tell you her fantasy—then, give it to her. Yes, give her everything she ever wanted.

I’ve given my adolescent a worldwide modeling career, a private jet, a stunning wardrobe, and the teen heartthrob of my time wooing her daily. And boy, is she happy! And because she is happy, she doesn’t mess with my life any longer.

It doesn’t matter what your adolescent wants, it just matters that you give it to her—and that she feels loved, safe, and happy. Give her whatever she needs to feel that way.

Change these two things, Hopeful, and it won’t matter what happens with THAT man—because you’ll create YOUR man (using the law of attraction for love in a positive way!) and you will be thrilled.

In joyous creation,

P.S. Keep growing—sign up here to receive regular blog posts on conscious creation, messages from your unseen friends and success stories by real people just like you.


Boni Lonnsburry is the author of three books including The Map - To Our Responsive Universe, Where Dreams Really Do Come True and the founder of Creation School, a place to develop conscious creation skills into artistry.

Read the comments, or add yours

  1. fakhre

    Dear Hopeful ……
    First of all let me reduce my self …am (Fakhreddin) From Arabic Country ..
    I read your issues and i found that we have the same case in my State like your problem …
    But i think although of different situation , different culture,but we have the same circumstances …
    any way in this cause you have to fight …and trust to the Love and it will guide you to the wright way …
    My Message to My dear Boni >>>>>> this is my second message but no response ,,,,,,
    i need you very hard and mach to help me to find my LOVE ….



    • Boni


      There is lots of information on my website on how to consciously create. And in the book, The Map. But unfortunately I don’t work with individuals. If you have a question that has NOT been answered before, I’m happy to consider writing a blog about it though.

      You ARE powerful and you have ALL the information you need on this website.

      with love,

  2. Ellie

    Hi Boni,
    Thanks for your post it came just at the right time for me. I’m going through a break up and I am trying to redefine what I want for my relationships.
    You say you can’t wish for a specific man and have a happy relationhsip with him. But when creating intentions can I decide the characteristics of the person I want to meet, such as for instance, the country he’s from, or his hair color or his interests etc. to suit my tastes…?

    • Boni

      Hi Ellie!

      You CAN have a preference for a particular man. There is nothing wrong with that and if you have one in mind, just intend, “him or better”!

      But Ellie, what if the absolute perfect man for you had a hair color you didn’t normally prefer? And everything else about him made you exquisitely happy? Would you say, “No thank you, universe, he has red hair. I ordered blonde.”

      Of course you wouldn’t!! More than likely you would suddenly grow very fond of redheads! By all means, say exactly what you want in the relationship…trust, love, depth, intimacy, fun, etc. But the more you narrow the scope of possibilities, the more you tie the hands of the universe (and potentially make it take much longer to manifest!).

      Love yourself enough to trust your abilities to manifest, and the universe’s ability to deliver exactly what you put forth (energetically). State your preferences, but leave the details to the expert!


  3. Terri

    Sixty years old, long term marriage to what I believe was not the man who I was meant to be with despite my adolescent self feeling so drawn to him. Now that I have been alone for some time and I know who I am as a person , how do I attract a caring and loving soul with whom to spend the rest of my life. I do believe that someone exists who will be with me through whatever life brings, but am unsure how to guide my thoughts to him.

  4. AprilChanae

    I have been working the the steps for almost 5 years. After my divorce, I created my bliss, the life I love, i wrote it out and wouldn’t you know it?? The Universe delivered to me the man of my dreams, only to find out that he had some work to do. his guilt for leaving his loveless, unsatisfing marriage, and (in his mind) abandoning his boys weighed heavily on him. Our being happy makes him feel guilty when he lets others influence him. I am not destroyed when he backs off or tries to break it off (yes it has happened) because – I ‘KNOW’ he will be back. I ‘feel’ it in my soul and I have been open and honest about it since the day we met. One way I know, is how he speaks the words of my unspoken dreams, I don’t judge him because he needs to work things out in his own existence before our — family — can be at peace. I simply love him through it. I created this family, and now am going back to my adolescent self to be sure I havent been lead astray. (Just to be sure I didnt miss something.) Thanks for all your help and support. Blessed are we who dont need to see to believe. (although when the seen is showered on us? it sure makes for a sweet addition to my highlight reel)

    Much Love and Respect,

    • Boni


      Good for you in holding your dream in your mind, but letting your guy work through what he needs to work through. And doing your own work with your adolescent in the meantime. You are a wise woman.

      Sending you love and light for that peaceful family you dream of,

  5. Bridgy


    I am in the situation: i want my love back.
    I know him, he knows me and I know, that he still loves me. But maybe it wasnt the right time for us (because I was afraid and mostly I was in doubt like: what if it goes wrong? what if, what if… so he decided to do a break.
    Now I want him back, and I believe: if its my deepest desire and wish, I can feel his love, I take actions and so on: I am sure I can wish him back to me!

    • Boni


      Sometimes it does work out to take a break and reunite wiser. I wrote about that very situation with my husband and I in my book, The Map. But in that time apart, I worked on myself–my beliefs, my thoughts, my feelings. I healed. I grew. And I let him go. I actually became engaged to another man during that year. And by letting him go energetically, I allowed the universe to bring him back into my life. It’s not easy to say, “this or better”, but it does free the universe to set up the very best scenario for you.

      Sending you love and light for a wonderful, loving and fulfilling relationship,

      • Bridgy

        Thank you so much Boni!!
        You don’t know how your words are helping me!!
        Thank you!!!! ❤️

          • Bridgy

            Dear Boni,

            Please help me a little.
            What exactly do you mean, when you speak about: let him go.
            I want him back and I trust the Universe that it will deliver for whatever I am asking for.
            Till Silvester I havent contact with him, he lives in another country. The reason for his break up was that he wouldnt break up with his longterm girlfriend. He had compassion with her, and he told me: My love, I don’t have the guts to change my life. And if I go with you, I have to leave her but then I am feeling guilty.
            I am thinking of him each and everyday, and I know deep in my heart, that he is doing the same… I dream of him and my dreams are such realistic that I can feel him and smell his perfume…in one dream he was lying next to me in my bed and when I woked up I was irritated… Its amazing!!
            When we met last year he told me, that he wished for the true love and he told me, that he found it in me…. But I guess I damaged our relationship because of fear and doubt. It was “too good to be true”…..
            Dear Boni, I need help-… Thank you very much!!!!

            • Boni

              Hi Bridgy,

              I don’t know that I can explain any more than I already have in this and other posts in the “love” category about “letting go”. You CAN create whatever you desire. But you can’t control the way it manifests, and if you create out of fear that you won’t get something, or desperation or lack, it is likely not to have the desired result.

              One thing I strongly suggest though, is to change the belief that, “This is too good to be true.”

              I wish you tons of success and love,

  6. Dimples

    I don’t agree with you on this. I most definitely think anyone can pick a particular person they want to be with. Some Law of attraction teachers are so quick to tell someone they can have, be, or do anything they want, but then contradicts it when they tell someone they can’t have a certain person or relationship.

    If a person wants it then they can have it. If they are aligned with what they want then the universe will deliver because it has to. I’ve seen it done many times and I’ve done so myself. Everything already exists in every possible state including a relationship with a particular person. The trick is not in trying to make it happen, just allowing it to happen. If a person really trusts the universe to deliver it will make a way somehow, someway.

    People should listen to their own gut instincts when it comes to what they want especially when it feels right. The universe doesn’t give us rules, the only limits are what we set for ourselves. We are all one energy, including being one energy with the universe. Why would the universe deny itself anything? It wouldn’t!!!! Whatever it’s giving to us it always gives to itself.

    • Boni

      Hi Dimples,

      Thanks for commenting. I imagine this brings up a lot of emotion for a lot of people. I agree with you on some fronts…a) yes, anyone can pick anyone. And b) yes, you should follow your feelings.

      And the universe will deliver what you order (you are right there too, the universe never says no). But if you are forcing a relationship with someone who isn’t that well suited to you, you will create a relationship with a lot of struggle and strife (and a lot of lessons, which hopefully you learn from).

      I never said you couldn’t have a preference. Of course you can. But ultimately, you and everyone on this planet, would be happier if they let go of control and let the universe handle the details.

      with love,

      PS Also remember the context of the questioner here – she has never even MET this man. This type of “attraction” speaks more of adolescent fantasy than true “gut” feeling.

    • Bridgy

      Hello Dimples:

      I have a question:
      you say: do not force it, just allow the universe to make it happen…
      conclusion: dont have intentions? only feelings? what about doing action on it?
      So I shouldnt do the 5 steps? whats the difference?
      Thank you!


Leave a Reply