7 Surprising Reasons You Keep Creating Chaos

By Boni Lonnsburry

Chaos Yeah, you say you want your life to settle down and have things work out for you. But week after week, month after month, year after year, there might be different players, different facts, but it’s always the same old story. You may as well face it—chaos, for you dear friend, is a way of life.

I know this one. I lived this one. And I moved beyond this one. You can too. But you need to understand why you keep creating chaos in your life, before you can create it’s opposite—elegance, ease, success and peace.

Take a look at these seven reasons we tend to create chaos-filled lives, and see if one or several of them ring true. If so, commit to healing and moving beyond them. The reasons you may be keeping chaos around:

1.    It’s your story

I recently connected with an old childhood friend on Facebook. I was happy to be reconnected to her, but soon regretted the connection. She is steeped in stories (with great detail in her posts) about her “unfortunate” luck.

Surgeries botched, health problems galore, failed romance upon failed romance…this woman has nothing but tales of woe. And yet, surprisingly, her other “post of choice” is gratitude.

Clearly my friend knew something about counting blessings, but more often than not, she “talked the talk” but didn’t “walk the walk”. The “story” of her life, to the world and to herself, is “Oh, poor me…”

I’m sure my friend doesn’t realize the impact her “stories” are having on her reality. But I’ve known people who do know the impact these kind of stories have, and yet they still tell stories of “Oh, poor me…”—seemingly oblivious to the energy they are exuding (and the chaos-filled reality they are creating).

What to do about it:     If you find yourself telling tales of misfortune at every opportunity…stop. Catch yourself before you utter a word, ideally. And instead tell tales of success.

At first it won’t be easy. You’ll be so steeped in looking for the negative you’ll have a hard time finding the positive. But look for it. Tell a story (even if only to yourself) every single day, of something wonderful that happened during the day.

It doesn’t have to be big. It can be as inconsequential as, “I really enjoyed my shower today.” Or “Those strawberries I had for breakfast were super sweet.” Or, “That was the funniest TV show I’ve seen all month.”

The more you practice, the more you’ll have to tell. What you focus on is what you draw into your reality—so before you know it you’ll be hard pressed to find anything “wrong” in your life at all!

2.    It’s your identity

How we think of ourselves becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And once we start down a path of identifying ourselves as unfortunate, struggling victims, it becomes hard to pull ourselves out of it. Why? Because the self-identity calls to us more reasons to feel that way. Those new chaos-filled realities reinforce our identity and the vicious cycle continues.

But the “victim” identity isn’t the only one that keeps us in chaos. The “fixer” identity does too. Every “fixer” needs something to fix—so creating chaos and crisis (unconsciously of course) is a must for “fixers”, who specialize in “coming to the rescue”.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you have one identity or the other. You could have a “victim” identity with your parents (I know I did with my father…it was the only dynamic we had) and a “fixer” identity with your children or friends.

What to do about it: Recognize you identify with being the victim, being the rescuer or both. Forgive yourself for that. And begin to see (and feel) yourself as one “who lives an easy, elegant, struggle-free life”, and who doesn’t get caught up in whatever chaos is happening around you.

Practice “compassionate detachment” when those you love are feeling challenged. You can care without jumping (emotionally) into the chaos others are creating.

Yes, it will be difficult to do in the beginning. And it may not feel real. But if you stick with it, even a few minutes each day, it will start to feel real. And once it starts to feel real, your reality will begin to respond, and eventually it will be real.

A note on this: You may not be able to shift another’s choice to create chaos in their life. What you can shift is your response to their creation. Coupling that with holding a vision for them in an easy, elegant, peaceful and successful life is all you can do. You can’t make the choice for them.

3.    You (secretly) like it

Ah, don’t breeze by this one too fast, my friend. If you didn’t like at least an aspect of the chaos you create, you wouldn’t be creating it. What on earth is there to like about chaos?

Well the excitement for one. Yes, you could do without the flat tire, the never-ending head cold, the leaky roof, the family crisis, the trips to the ER with the kids, but there is something in the excitement of it you may enjoy.

Wait…you mean I’m creating my kids being hurt? No, they are. But, lets just say you aren’t helping matters when you are not proactively creating peace and ease.

Another reason you might keep chaos around is, it gets you attention.  You can tell if this might be your “payoff” if you can’t wait to tell your friends, family and co-workers about the “bad” things that happen.

I know, not pretty. But don’t worry. There is a way out.

What to do about it:     Again, first forgive yourself. Then commit to finding the excitement and attention (or whatever other payoff you might be receiving) elsewhere. Talk about the “bad” things that happen only on a “need to know basis”. Instead find only “good” things to talk to people about. Again, this will seem difficult at first. But it will get easier.

4.    You don’t really think you have a choice

You can recognize this one as yours if your initial response to the article was something like, “Boy I’d like to stop creating chaos in my life—but that’s ridiculous—chaos and crisis just happen!”

In fact, they don’t just happen. We create them happening. Not by consciously making them happen, but by unconsciously letting them happen.

What to do about it:     If this even slightly rings true, you probably have a belief like: “I do not create 100% of my reality.” Simply change it to: “I do create 100% of my reality.” And watch your world transform!

5.    You believe you deserve it

This is another one you might blow by too quickly. Of course your conscious, adult “self” doesn’t believe you deserve chaos and crisis in your life. But there may be a part of you, perhaps the part of you that is still only 5 years old, that doesn’t believe they deserve ease, elegance, joy and peace.

What to do about it:  Again, change the belief. The belief might be, “I don’t deserve a wonderful magical life.” Change it to, “I do deserve a wonderful magical life.” Belief changing is much easier than you might imagine. And your reality will absolutely respond.

6.    You have nothing to replace it with

Lets face it, if you take away the chaos from life you might be left with your “same old boring life”.  Again, this is probably not a conscious motivation. We all create from our unconscious selves until we become conscious of the energy we are emitting in the form of thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

What to do about it: Begin to dream, my friend. Create some positive, exciting realities so you won’t need chaos to fill the void. Just dreaming some positive futures will help diminish the energy that currently goes to creating chaos.

What if you don’t know what to dream? No worries. Start with knowing how you want to feel. How will peace feel? Safety? Joy? Abundance? Success? Start feeling those feelings. Feelings create your world.

7.    Success scares the heck out of you

Ah, there it is, eh? Well, my friend, you are not alone. Let’s face it; we all know failure, crisis and chaos far too well. But like old, worn furniture, it’s comfortable and familiar. If you dream too big, too far from this “known life”, why, anything could happen!

What to do about it:     Yes, anything could happen, if you allow it to. But you won’t create amazing new futures unless you take a look at that fear and handle it. What does that look like? It looks like really thinking through the consequences of your dream, writing them down, figuring out what beliefs are behind those fears and changing them.

Then, decide what the consequence of your dreams manifesting will be. If you can manifest the dream you can manifest the consequences of that dream.

Remember, creating your current life took years, decades perhaps. Creating a life filled with ease, elegance, peace, safety, success and love will take time too. You don’t have to do it all today. But begin today. Set an intention today. Make a commitment today. Like it or not, the chaos in your life is your creation. And that is good news. Because if it you created it, you can change it.

In joyous creation,


P.S. If you want a complete map to stop creating chaos (but instead create your dreams) pick up a copy of The Map and The Map Workbook.

As one Amazon reader says, “The Map has been so helpful in assisting me in getting this whole creation process down.  I’ve tried so many resources over many years to support me in learning to deliberately create and had decent results, but never fulfilled the big dreams I had.  The Map was excellent at answering all the questions that came up as I learned the technique of creating and no other book or resource I have ever encountered (12 years worth of studying/seminars, etc.) has done this with the expertise and precision that Boni has in The Map.”



Boni Lonnsburry is the author of three books including The Map - To Our Responsive Universe, Where Dreams Really Do Come True and the founder of Creation School, a place to develop conscious creation skills into artistry.

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Read the comments, or add yours

  1. David

    This is some wonderfully written nonsense. It’s nice to see you’ve found the root of some people’s problems. The issue I take is with your solutions. The truth is, Boni, some people do have shit luck, and some people have really good excuses for why there’s chaos in their lives. These people have only one choice, to look on the bright side. Unfortunately you also seem to guarantee that their luck will change. That is a lie. You shouldn’t them offer them that. But then again, you probably wouldn’t sell books that way.

    • Boni


      The fact is, the law of attraction is a law, just like the law of gravity. Period. Believe it or not, it’s true. My intention was never to change anyone’s mind about it–only to provide direction for those who know it’s true and want to learn more.

      I don’t guarantee anyone’s “luck” will change. I can’t control whether they change their “luck” or not. I simply offer some very detailed steps on conscious creating for those who are ready to grow and change.

      I respect your opinion to think anything you want, David. But I have to ask, how’s that working for you? The people who are applying the principles of my work are seeing their “luck” change. And I think that is the bottom line with any “self help” sort of work. If you apply it with an open mind, do you see changes in your life? In that regard, the work speaks for itself.

      Wishing you all the best,

      PS Thank you for your compliment on my writing!

      • Your Name

        I think my life is chaotic. Some of it I create. But tonight, frustration set in again. My blood wouldn’t cooperate when I tried testing my blood sugar levels. It kept spreading out, and I couldn’t get it on the strip properly. I ran out of strips, so I went to the store to get more. Now my blood is cooperating, but the machine broke. Last year I was hired by five employers, only to have the job taken away within a week. Last week I got called for an interview, but I never returned it, because I just started training for a new one. Two days after training, the hours got cut and it became a temp. Last year after all those broken promises, I landed a job. Then I discovered that I couldn’t retain anything they taught me, because of my psych meds. Last year I told everybody that I had a job. The person in the HR department hired me. I spoke to the supervisor, and he said a position never existed. I tried donating plasma for money, but they couldn’t find a vein. I agree some people like chaos for the excitement, and I might to an extent. I grew up in chaos with a mentally ill father. I do accept 100% responsibility for my actions, but sometimes I do believe there is a force out there greater than myself trying to make my life hell. A friend said that church would solve the chaos.

      • seema

        Before reading I wrote my own resources s for creating chaos around me..I am very happy to read your article Boni .I am putting five powerful words on my board.success safety peace love Elegance.Thanks lot for guidance

  2. Hyejin Jang

    I grew up in a family where domestic violence was and because of it, I met this man in my late 20′s who abused me physically and emotionally just like my father did to my mother. And because of PTSD from the relationship, I had to go through indescribably hard times. Even years after the breakup, sometimes I think to myself that it is weird that I am alive still after going through severe panic attacks. Now I look back the past, I realize that there were so many ‘reasons’ I experienced many sufferings, even though I did not know WHAT made that happen.

    This is so accurately written about the subject. And I don’t know why but more than anything, your words are so resonating with me deeply and strongly and it reaches my heart so easily. I can understand everything you say. There must be some good force going on here. Maybe it is time for me to take another leap.

    Glad I have found this website. The book The Map I’ve ordered about a week ago is on its way to my country from all the way there. Hope that it can help me to create what I want.

  3. Whitney Prussia

    Hi Boni,

    I recently looked this article up because I am ready for a change in my life. I was at dinner last night with a dear friend and we were talking about how if I keep playing in mud I am going to stay dirty, an analogy for me continuing to entertain a relationship with my ex whom I know it will never work out with. I was talking about how much I love him, and how sad I am, but that I need him. She made the observation that I am attracted to chaos in my life, and I will never be truly happy I don’t stop adhering to that lifestyle. I came home and truly thought about how angry I am at my parents and how I have created a non-existent relationship with them because I have shut them out. I have not had a successful relationship because of behaviors that I have detailed. I am needy and insecure, and I push people away. I focus on the negative and not the positive in the relationship until it is over. Then I cling to the positive as to not let go. These are all unhealthy behaviors that I need to change if I want to create a stable and healthy lifestyle for myself and attract a beautiful healthy relationship. I just do not know how to do that. Do you have any advice for me? I am ready to accept any responsibility for my past in order to rectify my future. Thank you,

    • Boni

      Hi Whitney,

      This blog is FILLED with advice for you. Follow it. Take it seriously. Do the work. Your life CAN be anything you desire. But you have to do the work…


  4. Debi

    I looked this up as soon as I had a minute after work. I told you today on the phone I would check out your sight! So glad I did, I am just learning to think happy and constantly be thankful for every thing that gives me joy, wish Id learned this years ago! I do admit I am at a happier time in my life “is it because I discovered a way to be and create happy”or because I stumbled into it and am enjoying it? I honestly think it’s the first. I try harder to stay positive and every day it seems to get easier. Yes I still have self doubt but I try to concentrate on the positive instead. This is a great accomplishment for a constant worrier!
    Thanks for guiding me to your sight!!

  5. Mose

    Hello Boni,
    thank you for this inspiring, insightful and thought-provoking article.
    I realize I have this core belief: “In order to cultivate compassion, and to help peaople, I have to suffer their suffering. Basically, I believe that mainly by suffering I can be on the same frequency of human beings and therefore be able to communicate to them. If I were fully healthy, wealthy and joyful then I would not be able to communicate to human beings who are suffering (the whole planet seems to be ‘stuck’ and ‘suffering’), and in fact they would despise me. How is it possible to live in happiness, abundance, joy and at the same time have a open heart to human beings (and non-human beings) who are suffering?

    • Boni

      Hi Mose,

      You ask a really good question. I think this is an issue that a lot of people struggle with. I do want to answer you completely, so I’ll make this the topic of an upcoming blog post (this week if possible).


  6. Su Amar

    About 3 days ago I had asked Universe to show me what I was doing wrong – to show me the path I needed to take, to help me correct my mistakes. I had this article open in a tab for about 2 days and I was not reading it. But, now I just decided to read it…and I have been answered. I am guilty of doing all 7 mistakes. Now, I need to forgive myself and retry. I ask my unseen friends and Universe to be my side and guide me. Thank you Boni, Thank you Universe. I am so blessed to be living this life, taking this path. Thank you. As a bonus I got to read “Jump the Gap”. I believe I have been shown the perfect action I need to take, I am extremely grateful for my guiding spirit and THANK YOU Boni for being a wonderful person to follow and learn from – You are one of my Guru too.

    • Boni

      Dear Su Amar,

      Thank you for your kind words. And kudos to YOU for being willing to receive the information you were guided to. I am super excited for you.

      much love,

  7. Gini

    Boni,I have lost my job, gone through all my savings, can not pay any of my bills nor gas or groceries. I use to have a fantastic career, but now…I am truly scared. I live in a small town where good paying jobs are scarce. I am single and very lonely. I truly don’t know how to manifest my intention which I have written down and read everyday. I pray for them to happen, but…….silence prevails. I have your book “The Map” and have read it through several times. Please help me here.
    Love, Gini

    • Boni

      Hi Gini,

      I understand you are scared. Feel your fear then let it go.

      And ask yourself…Are you following The Map? Flowing energy? Taking action? Watching for signs? Asking your unseen friends for help and guidance? You see, the law of attraction ALWAYS works Gini. Your fear is creating more lack. Somehow you must begin to imagine money, success and joy. I know you can do this Gini. But I can’t do it for you. I can’t rescue you. No one can, but you.

      Take a close look at your beliefs also Gini…which of them have you changed? And which ones need changing?

      Keep me posted Gini. I believe in you.


      • Gini

        Thank you so much. I have tears on my keyboard. I know no one can help me, but myself. It is all up to me, my mind and my heart. I will agressively keep trying, and ask for more guidance from my unseen friends. When talk to them I really want to hear to their reply. “I do deserve a wonderful magical life.” I really do want the abundance I have worked so hard for and know I have to somehow create it. I know the sun is shining behind the clouds. Yet,I feel as if I am stuck where I don’t belong.
        In His Grip, Gini


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